


Breathe Deep and Easy

by Pseudthisyafucks (collettephinz)



Series: The Long Distance Problem [14]
Category: Youtube - RPF
Genre: Attempt at Dirty Talk, Felix is best boyfriend, Fix It Fic, Guilt, Jack is also best boyfriend, M/M, Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts, Sex, So yeah, and the other half is fix it of my own mess, because half of it is sex, cause i gotta fix this!!!!, consider this a demented birthday present for Felix, discussions of mental health, don't listen to the TV kids Hollywood sucks, heart to heart, jack's LA escapade, mentions of depression, or my attempt at it, supportive boyfriends, the birdaboo breakdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-24
Updated: 2018-10-24
Packaged: 2019-08-06 23:28:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16397126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/collettephinz/pseuds/Pseudthisyafucks
Summary: Jack thinks he has ruined everything beyond repair, Felix thinks Jack just needs a little more TLC.





	Breathe Deep and Easy

**Author's Note:**

> soooo many people were upset by the last installment of this and like that's fine XD idgaf really it wasn't meant to be a happy one but after i wrote that i was like "now how do i actually fix this" and this was my attempt (at several things one of them being sex again ngl i be bad at that but oh well)
> 
> happy birthday Felix Kjellberg! 29 and still kicking wowza

Jack was sitting in the living room when Felix came home. 

Jack hadn’t bothered unpacking, had left his two suitcases by the couch where Felix could see them as if they were some sort of reassurance that Jack wasn’t going to stay if he wasn’t welcome. He’d been nervous to come home because he hadn’t been certain he’d have a home to come to. He’d had complete radio silence with Felix until Felix had reached out in the only way Felix was capable of, through the stupidly hilarious react video that Jack had enjoyed way more than he’d thought he could. From there, they’d traded messages, Felix’s wholehearted and sweet while Jack’s had been tentative, tip-toeing around a finale he didn’t want to acknowledge. Felix had seemed happy Jack was talking to him again, but—

Well, Jack had learned quite a bit about himself while in LA. And one of those things was how he should never assume the thoughts and opinions of others based on their words alone. Because regardless of Jack’s observations and conversations, Felix could still possibly hold a grudge, and Mark might actually hate him. But what the fuck did he know?

He hadn’t told Felix what time he would be arriving home, he’d only given the date, and that date was actually tomorrow. He’d fibbed on the day so Felix wouldn’t be waiting at home for him. It would give Jack the few more moments of silence that he needed to sort his thoughts.

He hated that silence now, though. 

This house wasn’t unaccustomed to a serene kind of quiet that would fall over it whenever they weren’t in the same room together, or Felix wasn’t recording, or they were simply sat together on the couch— this very couch— reading their respective stories. Felix would forgo his teasing of Jack’s inability to read an actual book if it meant Jack would read his comics at the other end of the couch. And the quiet that would pervade the house in the first hours of the morning, when one of them inevitably woke up before the other, but didn’t rise. Jack couldn’t count how many times he’d woken up to find Felix lying beside him, playing with strands of Jack’s hair. “I really like the this color,” he’d say. “Harder to find in a crowd, but it’s the way you were born. I really like the dark.”

Jack’s heart squeezed painfully in his chest at the memory and he swallowed down the agony he’d been keeping at bay for hours since he’d packed up from his temporary stay in LA to return here. 

He couldn’t explain why, but he had this awful feeling that he was going to lose Felix.

Felix was the kind of person to be compassionate to you when he knew you needed it at the risk of his own wellbeing. He most certainly would lie through his teeth with whatever conversation he shared with Jack over the phone while Jack was staying away from him if he thought it was what Jack needed. But now Jack was home and supposed to be better and the hurts Felix had survived wouldn’t be kept in hiding anymore. He could be angry. He could be upset with Jack. And of course he would, why wouldn’t he? Jack had just ditched him for two months after a terse conversation about needing space to think and accusing Felix of never giving him that space with the bite of a dog in his voice. 

Calling Felix clingy had been instinctive, like lashing out at an unexpected blow. He hadn’t meant what he’d said— Felix was intuitive to near psychic levels, he would always be able to tell when Jack needed space and when he didn’t and act accordingly— but he knew that Felix took the words of the people he loved to heart in the same way he didn’t listen to the words of strangers. Felix could only handle so much at once, but he chose to take in more than he could when it came to Jack. Felix was always willing to push himself past the breaking point for Jack, and Jack knew that what he’d said in leaving wouldn’t be forgotten easily. 

Then there was the whole thing about how Jack had literally ignored Felix for nearly two months and just—

He couldn’t fix this. Jack knew he couldn’t fix this, and he didn’t think he deserved to. He just couldn’t explain it. The crushing weight in his chest, the overbearing existential fear that came from realizing he was wasting away, stuck in some rut he didn’t know how to escape. Jack still had no idea how he’d fallen into that horrible state of mind, had no idea what had triggered it, but he was terrified of falling into it again. His hands felt clammy at the thought and he felt a little like dying when he remembered how it had felt to realize he had to force himself to kiss Felix in the mornings and make videos, things he had once loved doing more than anything suddenly becoming a torturous act. 

He didn’t want to be in that headspace again. He couldn’t. Felix hadn’t caused it, Felix hadn’t been to blame. Jack had been nothing but happy with Felix up until a few months ago, Jack just hadn’t had anything else to quit since he couldn’t quit videos. It had taken leaving and being away for so long to realize that Felix hadn’t been the problem either. It had been himself. Jack just didn’t know how to tell Felix this because he was terrified the other man wouldn’t listen. Oh god, what if he would never have Felix back?

That thought settled worse than the existentialism, and it wasn’t anything new. He’d been wrestling with the fact since Mark had laid into him after recording the pole dancing video, realizing that he couldn’t expect Felix to be a better person than perfect and allow Jack to have whatever he wanted, no questions asked, at the risk of hurting Felix. What Jack had done was a selfish decision, and he’d counted too heavily on Felix loving him enough to suffer through it for him. What if Jack had been wrong? Scratch that, Jack _had_ been wrong. Mark had been right. Felix deserved better and had every right to ask Jack to leave his life for good. How else would Felix feel after Jack had shown how easily he would pin all of his problems on Felix’s presence in his life? How else would Felix feel after learning that Jack blamed him for his pain?

Oh god, Jack was never going to have Felix back.

There was a click and the front door opened, Edgar bounding into the house and making a beeline for Jack at the sofa. For a moment, seeing the little dog was a welcome distraction. Edgar leaped into Jack’s lap, an impressive feat for such a tiny dog, and immediately started slobbering all over him, squirming and writhing in Jack’s lap to try and get more of his kisses to Jack’s face. Jack chuckled despite the anxiety that was making his hands shake, and held on to the little dog’s hips to make sure he didn’t fall all over himself, but— 

Felix was standing in the doorway, blue eyes wide with surprise. “Seán?”

Jack couldn’t say that Felix was a sight for sore eyes or anything because Jack had watched all of Felix’s videos while gone, catching every update every day, and enjoying having Felix’s videos posted in the earlier hours. He’d seen every minute and natural change that had come over Felix through the months, the subtle things, like Felix combing his hair a different way, or the bags under Felix’s eyes becoming heavier when his sleep wasn’t as kind. Felix was always changing in these tiny ways and Jack had never seen it in anyone else. It was one of the many thing Jack loved about the other man, the little games of “find the difference” he’d play where he would look at Felix, really looked at him in the morning, and read what had changed to see if anything was wrong. Jack had never been so attentive to every little detail of another person like he was with Felix. That should have been a blaring sign to Jack that Felix was nigh his soulmate, but it was too late now.

“I thought you wouldn’t be back until tomorrow,” Felix said, still at the door, where he was kicking off his running shoes and hanging up Edgar’s leash. “You should have told me! I was going to give this place a deep clean, a really badly-timed spring cleaning.”

Jack choked on a laugh that he hoped didn’t sound too agonized. Felix was treating Jack like everything was normal and it hurt because it couldn’t be the truth. “Like ye’ wouldn’t leave this place in any state other than garbage, Felix.”

“I resent that,” Felix snorted. He walked from the foyer into the house, towards Jack. He was wearing running clothes, tight spandex that hugged his legs like a second layer of skin and a baggy hoodie up top that was probably two sizes too big for him. His blond hair was mussed up and there was a faint sheen of sweat on his forehead. He was gorgeous and Jack wanted to kiss him and he couldn’t. “I've been doing your chores for two months,” Felix was saying. “That means you owe me at least one month of doing my chores. Deal?”

Jack’s thoughts stalled over the implications of Felix’s statement. “W-what?” 

Three emotions flashed lightning-fast across Felix’s face: surprise, confusion, resignation. Then he sighed heavily, shoulders slumping. Jack played his little game and noticed the dark circles under Felix’s eyes. Sleep hadn’t been kind to him— neither had Jack.

“Alright,” Felix said. “Let’s do this.”

Jack tried to keep the fear from showing on his face. “Do what?”

“The conversation. The one you look like you need to have.”

The breakup. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jack lied, delaying the inevitable. Felix looked frustrated for a moment, but then resigned again. He rounded the couch and went to slump down next to Jack, but Jack read the action wrong, he always did when afraid, and ended up flinching away when Felix’s hand (which had swung out to steady himself on the back of the couch) looked a little too much like a blow. 

Felix’s eyes went wide with something like horror. “Jesus christ,” he murmured. “Did anyone hurt you over there?”

“What?” Jack tried to cover up his flinch by lounging back in faux-relaxation. “No.”

“Fuck off, Seán, you know that I would never, ever hit you, so I know you didn’t learn to react like that from me.”

Jack winced and couldn’t meet those icy blue eyes for a moment. “No one hurt me,” he finally said. “Mark got mad, yeah, but no one ever hurt me. I didn’t— I’m sorry. I can’t imagine ye’ anything but mad right now. But ye’ wouldn’t hurt me.”

Felix ran his hand through his hair, hair that was still damp from his run. “I’d kinda imagined not smelling and looking disgusting for this, but I have this feeling that you’d bolt if I took a shower.” Jack wanted to deny that, because Felix didn’t smell or look disgusting and Jack wasn’t a coward, but Jack knew Felix had every right to believe Jack was. After all, the last two months of distance had been because Jack had run away. “I’m hurt,” Felix stated.

Jack hung his head. He’d expected that, he’d known that. He just hated hearing Felix say it out loud. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize when you don’t even know what you’re sorry for.”

“You’re hurt cause I left,” Jack said, wanting Felix to know that Jack, at the very least, understood what he’d done wrong. “I abandoned ye’, made you my scapegoat for all of my problems. Practically slandered yer name to our friends by saying all of my stupid shit is cause of you. I was terrible to ye’, Felix, I treated you terribly. I know why you’re hurt.”

“Dude, fuck off,” Felix sighed. “I’m hurt because you don’t think I’d understand.”

“I… what?”

Felix moved slowly this time, letting Jack see every movement Felix was going to make in the coil of Felix’s muscles underneath the tight pants. Felix sat down on the couch, but far away from Jack, too far away. Jack wasn’t sure for whose benefit Felix was keeping the distance for. 

“I’m hurt,” Felix said again. “Because you seem to think that I don’t know what you’re going through. Or were going through. I’m hurt because you seem to have forgotten that I’ve had a crisis of purpose myself, and a loss of passion, and all of that other shit. I’m hurt because you just seem to think I’m like everyone else even though I’m not. It’s like you don’t even realize that I do the same thing you do, recording every day, all the time, and always struggling for new things to make it interesting and keep people coming back. I go through the same stress as you and I’ve— Seán, baby, I had a fucking mental breakdown in a car. I know exactly what you went through and I’m hurt because it never seemed to occur to you that I would understand and be willing to cooperate with whatever you needed to get out of it.”

Felix paused, studying Jack’s face, seeing through him and how Jack was struggling to keep breathing. “Or maybe,” Felix murmured softly, sadly. “You did know that I would understand and you just felt that you didn’t deserve it.”

Jack couldn’t handle the truth in Felix’s words, so, “Mark accused me of abusing ye’.”

Felix snorted. “Mark should know I wouldn’t let you. Not that you ever would, of course, but I’ve always been the type to go down swinging anyways.”

“I would never hit ye’, Felix.”

“I know you wouldn’t,” Felix agreed. “You’re such a fucking pacifist that it’s almost annoying. And of course you wouldn’t hit me, you like my face too much.” Felix grinned like he was trying to make a joke, but the very idea of Felix’s face being flecked with bruises from Jack’s fists made Jack feel ill. Felix’s grin quickly dropped. “Seán,” he said softly, looking like he wanted to reach out.

“I get it, okay?” Felix sat forward as he continued. “I do. I was in the same place you were and just chose a different outlet for getting myself back together. I know what it’s like to be where you were. The unending drag of making videos that you’re not sure you enjoy anymore and being desperate to enjoy them again. Being unable to think of your fans with affection anymore, feeling detached from your own community and lifeless. I know what it’s like. I know how lonely it can be. I know all of this and I know that you did the right thing in leaving because that was all you could do. And I know…”

Felix paused, looking away. “… Seán, if you had come to the conclusion that you needed to leave me for good to get better, I would have supported you through that as well.”

Jack’s vision blurred and he realized he was crying. He sat back and rubbed at his eyes, trying not to let Felix see. “You self-sacrificing fuck,” he choked out. “I hate ye’.”

Felix laughed mirthlessly. “Does it really hurt so much to have someone love you enough to do the right thing for you, no matter what?”

“No,” Jack denied. “It hurts t’ know that Mark was _right._ You deserve better than me. You deserve better than everything.”

There was warmth across his leg, and Jack looked through his tears to see Felix had leaned forward to lie his hand over Jack’s knee. “It’ll be okay,” Felix told him. “Regardless of what you believe, I think you’re well worth the love and the self-sacrificing bullshit. And I mean it. If you had come to the conclusion that I was what was wrong with your life, what was making you feel dead to everything, I would have packed my things. I would have found a hotel. I would have helped you find a new place to stay at wherever you needed to go. I…” Felix swallowed past a lump in his throat. “I would have let you take Edgar, if you wanted. Not because I think you’re worth more than me, but because I know that I need you to be happy. More than anything, that’s what I need. And sometimes you have to get what you need rather than what you want, no matter how much it hurts. Because I love you. And when you love someone like I love you, then that kind of suffering is what’s needed.”

Jack shook his head, covering his eyes with his hands so Felix wouldn’t see the tears running down his cheeks.

“Hey, hey,” Felix coaxed softly. “Seán, I get it, I really do. When you start feeling like that, it’s one of the scariest things ever. It seems like it goes on forever. It seems like it’ll never end and you’ll be left with nothing but empty. I know how terrifying that can be. I know how it feels to be willing to do anything to make it better. Don’t you remember how I was?”

Jack did.

He remembered that moment more vividly than his mother’s face and he hated it. He never let himself think about it, the way Felix had crumbled beneath him, this once strong and confident man that Jack had just been starting to really get to know falling beneath the pressure like a man drowning to the waves of a storm. Jack remembered and he didn’t want to.

“Don’t you remember how you helped me?” Felix asked. “You took me aside and told me what I meant to you. Made me realize that, even with how horrible I felt, how stuck and ruined I was, you would be there. I don’t think I ever told you this, but… What you told me there, in that moment, was what made me brave enough to make a change. And everyone knows that that change was for the better.”

Jack didn’t deserve the credit, but Felix was giving it to him so freely that Jack didn’t have the heart to deny it. In truth, Felix had made that change himself. He’d explored what he enjoyed and what others could enjoy with him. So many people in the following months had commented on how much happier Felix had seemed. Sure, the whole fiasco with Wall Street Journal and Jack’s awful commentary on that had been a complete cluster fuck, but Felix had come out better at the end of it, and they’d gotten together only a few months after. 

But that was the thing. Jack had helped Felix and Felix had let him. In Jack’s case, Felix had extended that same helping hand only for Jack to slap it away with hateful words and indignation.

“Stop blaming yourself,” Felix sighed like he could read Jack’s mind, bringing Felix back to the present. “Everyone copes in different ways, Seán. I’m just so happy you came home.”

“I can still leave,” Jack whimpered, still crying. 

“If you leave again, I’ll probably get super pissed,” Felix told him. “But again, I’ll understand. Even if you never come back, if it’s what you need, I’ll understand. Because the world is so fucking unfair that I do my best to not be. I want you to do what you need to do. And I’m confident that you’ll find that I am good for you. I am, Seán, I know I have to be. Maybe it’s vain or overconfident, but I love you so much. I’d do anything for you. I know that if you and I ever fell away, we’d just come right back, because we’re good for each other.” Felix smiled and the purity in it ached. “You and I— we’re meant to be, Seán. I know I’m not the only one who feels that way about us. Right?” Felix’s thumb rubbed soothing circles into Jack’s knee. “I know you love me, even when you’re stuck and hurting. You wouldn’t have your bags still packed otherwise. You came home, to me, with every expectation to be sent away, but was still brave enough to face me anyways, because you know I wanted to see you.” 

Felix reached up and pulled Jack’s hand from his face so Jack could see the tears brimming in Felix’s eyes as well. “I love you, Seán,” he told Jack, his voice choked off with emotion. “I’m never gonna stop, so leave whenever you need to, okay? Leave whenever you have to and know for a fact that I’ll be waiting for you when you come back.”

Jack sobbed hard and pitched forward, falling into Felix’s chest. He didn’t deserve the forgiveness, didn’t deserve Felix at all, but Felix said he did and Felix was the only person he trusted. Felix moved his hand from Jack’s knee s both his arms could come up and cradle Jack’s head to his chest, running his fingers through Jack’s hair, soothing Jack with gentle words and kissing the top of his head. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Jack whispered fervently, because he needed Felix to know that it wasn’t his fault. He’d been nothing but good and Jack had been—

“Blaming yourself for the way your mind turns on you is stupid,” Felix told him. “You would never blame me for my depression or anxiety, so don’t you dare think that I’m about to blame you.”

“Mark was just so mad,” Jack sobbed. 

“Mark only saw one side of this,” Felix told him. “Mark’s a good friend, but he’s one person, and he doesn’t know you like I do, and in way more ways than one.” Jack could practically hear that lecherous grin on Felix’s face, despite the tears he could still hear in Felix’s voice. “He meant well. Maybe not for you, but for me. If things had been switched, he’d be chewing me out rather than you. And I can bet he wouldn’t be nearly as nice for me.”

Jack sniffled and shook his head, happy to be hiding in Felix’s chest like this. The other man smelled like perspiration and home and it was stupidly cheesy enough that Jack just felt even more like crying his heart out. “I missed ye’ so much,” he said into Felix’s hoodie. “It started strangling me. I missed ye’ so much that I—” He cut himself off. “I missed ye’ so much that I almost told ‘em I was with ye’. I wanted them t’ know how much I missed you and why. I missed ye’ so much that I almost came out just so people could understand _how much I missed you,_ Felix.”

Felix giggled and Jack felt another kiss being placed atop his head. “For what it’s worth,” he said. “I’m glad you left. Not that I wanted you gone, but now I know for a fact that you and I are gonna last, because you considered leaving me for at least a month, probably more, and came to the conclusion that you shouldn’t. We’re meant to be, Seán. Written in the stars and all that stupid shit. And now I couldn’t be more confident in the fact.”

Jack sniffled. “Feel like a girl.”

“That makes you my girl.” Another kiss, more fingers through Jack’s hair, then arms sliding down to Jack’s shoulders to pull him chest to chest with Felix in a hug. Jack went from hiding his face in Felix’s chest to hiding his face in Felix’s neck. “And I’ve missed my girl so much.”

“I’m so tired,” Jack said. 

“Yeah, that flight from LA can be fucking murder.” Felix scratched gently at the hairs on the back of Jack’s neck. Jack slumped into him, letting himself finally relax and actually accept that he was home and welcome and he was allowed to stay. “Why don’t you go on up to bed,” Felix told him. “I’ll join you in a second, but I have got to take a shower. I smell like gross man.”

“Ye’ smell great,” Jack said, not at all ashamed that he enjoyed the way Felix was after a run. He could probably look it up and explain it as some primal pheromone thing, but that was just a little too creepy. “I’m sorry, Felix.”

“If you say sorry again, I’m gonna let Edgar sleep on your pillow.”

Jack groaned unhappily, still amazed that he was being extended forgiveness so easily. Hell, Felix sounded like there was nothing to even forgive. How had this happened? How had Jack gotten so lucky? And how had Jack been so close to almost losing this of his own volition? If anyone ever tried to tell Jack he was smart ever again, he’d laugh in their fucking face. He’d almost been dumb enough to walk away from this.

“Come on, big boy,” Felix said teasingly. He started to stand and Jack went with him. Shyly, Jack looked up and met Felix’s eyes. The other man was smiling at him with such blinding affection that Jack’s heart did this stupid thing where it forgot how to work. He could have list this anti would have been his own fault. Even if Felix felt like Jack had good reason, Jack couldn’t agree. Felix’s smile became patient and he shook his head. “Don’t be so hard on yourself, Seán,” he said gently. “God knows everyone else was already hard enough on you to last a lifetime. Just know that I don’t judge you for what you had to do and I want you to know I support you and all the things you do to help yourself.” 

Then Felix leaned down and kissed the corner of Jack’s mouth so sweetly that Jack’s heart did that painful thing again and tears sprung to his eyes. Felix had known Jack wouldn’t be able to initiate anything and had done it for him. That was more acceptance and welcome than words alone.

But it wasn’t enough, so Jack turned his head and and pressed their lips together instead. Felix smiled into the kiss and said, “There he is.” Then Felix’s hand came up to hold the back of Jack’s neck to hold him tight as Felix pressed in harder, devouring Jack, pushing his tongue inside and twisting and making Jack’s toes curl. “There he is,” Felix said again, into Jack. Then Felix’s hand left Jack’s neck to slide down his spine and grip his hip. Felix pulled their bodies flush together and Jack shuddered.

“I know you think I’m supposed to be mad,” Felix said, swiping his tongue across Jack’s lips. “Even though I’m not, I’ll pretend I am just so we can have some fantastic makeup sex.”

Jack shuddered and Felix smirked. “Get upstairs,” Felix told him. “Get some rest. You’ll need it.”

Jack fell away from the kiss only because Felix asked him to. He bounded upstairs, feeling every bone in his body soften at the sight of the bed— the fucking bed. The bed where he’d pinned Felix and pulled him apart, piece by piece. The bed where he’d fallen asleep next to Felix and woken up with him. The fucking bed that he he had been about to leave behind over some stupid, misplaced attempt to fix his life when he had been the problem. How could he have—

“Stop thinking like an idiot!” Felix shouted from downstairs. Jesus, he really could read Jack’s thoughts. “Get some fucking rest!” Edgar came bounding up the stairs and leaped onto the bed before Jack, curling up on the comforter. Jack laughed and pushed the dog aside, unable to deny how much he’d missed the silly boy. Jack fell onto the bed and buried his face in Felix’s pillow. His heart clenched and he felt a little like crying again. But then the shower began to run and Jack was so tired now that he wasn’t terrified Felix was going to leave him, and—

. . .

_Felix burst into the dressing room, red eyed and ruined in a way Jack hadn’t expected. Jack wanted to say something, anything, really, but Felix brushed past him, head bent to hide his face, and went to the rack of clothes. He was getting changed, probably as directed, and more than likely didn’t want to be bothered. But he’d been crying, and Jack—_

_“Just say it.” Felix’s voice cutting into Jack’s thoughts wasn’t nearly as harsh as it was pained. “Say whatever it is you want, Jack. I can take it.”_

_Take it? Take what? Jack didn’t know what he was referring to. He was just worried, hated seeing the red of Felix’s eyes like the man had been crying. Why would Felix cry?_

_Felix had been stressed, everyone could tell. He’d been smiling less and his laughter was always being cut short by some intrusive thought he would never tell anyone about. His eating habits were abysmal and he was looking thinner, sleeping less. He wasn’t having fun and Jack wished they could call of this stupid thing, this whole show YouTube was doing. It was good for the viewers, it was good for Jack, but it wasn’t good for Felix. And if it wasn’t good for Felix, then what good was it at all?_

_“You’ve been crying,” Jack said. “Are you— is everything okay?”_

_“You’ll read all about it in tomorrow’s news,” Felix replied almost bitterly. “Everyone will.”_

_Jack bit his lip, wrung his fingers in the front of his shirt. He watched Felix push through the rack of clothes without a care, like he was going through the motions more than anything else. “You— if ye’ filmed something like this, maybe it shouldn’t go up.”_

_“Why the fuck not?” Felix demanded, whirling around to face Jack with fury in his eyes. But he wasn’t angry at Jack. He didn’t know what Felix was angry at, but it wasn’t him. “Should I just keep cutting everything out that’s real, keeping lying to them about me and how I feel? I’m tired, Jack. I’m so fucking tired, of everything and all of it. I feel nothing but nothing and I’m scared of it. I’m scared of me. I can’t feel anything but fucking tired and stressed out, and I don’t wanna die, but it seems like the only way out of—”_

_Jack sprung forward and wrapped his arms around Felix before he could think better of it because Felix was talking about dying, and Jack couldn’t— It wasn’t—_

_“Felix, Felix, it’s okay,” Jack choked out, clinging tightly to Felix. He wasn’t sure if he was encouraged or disheartened by how Felix failed to react. Didn’t struggle, didn’t return the embrace, didn’t do anything at all. It was the nothing that Felix had been talking about, the nothing that was going to kill him. “Whatever it is, it’s okay.”_

_“It’s not okay,” Felix replied, sounding like someone was strangling him. “I have so much to do. I don’t have time for anything else but what I have to do.”_

_“Make time,” Jack said. “Nothing’s more important than staying alive.”_

_“Jesus christ.” He felt Felix sigh. “I didn’t— that came out wrong.”_

_Jack pulled back, but only a little. He needed to look Felix in the eye. “Just make the change,” he said, wishing he had the guts to lean in and kiss the other man. Maybe someday, but not today. Not when Felix was like this, skinned alive and writhing. Not when he needed someone he could trust. “Whatever change it is, ye’ gotta do it. Just do what you have t’ do t’ feel better. The people will be there, the people that matter will stay. I’ll still be here, Felix. You— I’ve looked up to ye’. I’m gonna be here no matter what change ye’ make.”_

_Something passed through Felix’s eyes, something other than nothing. Felix wet his lips and asked, “Do you promise?”_

_“Swear on my life.”_

_Felix nodded. Then his arms came up and finally returned the hug. “Thank you, Jack,” he said. “Do me a favor and just ignore what I put up tomorrow.”_

_Jack didn’t know if he could make that promise in the face of the first, but he nodded all the same. “I’m here for ye’, Felix,” he swore. “Now let’s just get this filming done and get ye’ home, where you can rest. Fair?”_

_Felix nodded and then pulled himself from Jack’s arms. he wiped his eyes and tried to smile. “Thanks, Jack,” he said. “You’re a good friend.”_

_A friend._

_That was what Felix needed and all Jack would be._

. . .

Jack woke up to the sun rising on his face at that specific angle he always used to say he hated. Now he loved the warmth and what it meant. He groaned softly and tried to curl up, surprised to find himself beneath the covers rather than atop, how he’d fallen asleep. There was more than just light on his face, too— there was a weight on his hips and hands on his chest. A familiar weight, thighs framing his sides, warm hands, warmer than the sun. And then the even warmer sound of Felix’s laugh. 

And—

“You’ve got a tour in like, a week, right?” Felix asked him, voice rugged with sleep. Had he been resting beside Jack? It was early morning now, meaning Jack had slept through most of yesterday and into now. He wanted to regret it, but he could he regret anything with Felix atop him like this?

“A week,” Jack affirmed sleepily. “I-I’d cancel it, but—”

“Don’t you dare,” Felix hummed. Jack forced his eyes open and looked up at Felix, who was sitting pretty, gorgeous and ruffled from sleep like Jack, blue eyes easy and gorgeous as they looked down on Jack. And he was—

Jesus christ, he was stark naked.

Jack groaned again and brought his hands up to rest on Felix’s hips, holding tight, digging his thumbs into the flesh. “Don’t do me like this, Felix,” he said. “I’d fuckin’ cancel.”

“You love your shows,” Felix said, absolutely beautiful, bare skin bathed in sunlight. He looked good— damn good. He’d been running a lot more when Jack left, toning his body, filling out with muscle and strength and lithe grace. He was half hard and sitting atop Jack’s hips like he belonged there, which he absolutely fucking did. “You love seeing everyone in person. You should have been a performer, Seán, a live one. It’s why you were in so many bands as a teen, y’know? You were meant to be seeing people, under the lights, hearing and feeding off the crowd.” Felix hummed and rolled his hips into Jack’s. Jack sucked in air through his teeth as lazy pleasure curled through him. “And then you come home to me. Quietly and away from the lights, the prying eyes. You perform for them. You’re Jack for them. And you’re Seán for me.”

Felix bent at the spine and leaned down to kiss Jack with the same, overwhelming sweetness as before. “I’m gonna ride you,” Felix said against his lips. “I’m gonna ride you so fucking good that you forget all of the stupids reasons you have for hating yourself until the only thing you can think about is how good we are together.”

“Jesus christ,” Jack wheezed, hips jerking up into Felix uncontrollably as his cock hardened under the duvet. “What the fuck, Felix, warn a guy.”

“That was your warning,” Felix said with a giggle into Jack. “Take your pants off— I’ve been prepping myself for the past five minutes and I’m getting impatient.”

“Sorry I missed that,” Jack said, meaning it more than anything. The image of Felix knuckles deep inside himself, panting with the pleasure of it, trying not to get off because he had a purpose. “God, Felix, really, if ye’ want, I can stay—”

“Don’t you dare,” Felix said again, letting out a soft moan as he ground down on Jack through the duvet. “God, baby, I’ve missed you so much,” he confessed into Jack. “I’ve missed your cock.” Jack’s heart raced at the simple word spoken so intimately between them. “I’ve thought about you,” Felix continued. “About your touch, your taste. About the way you feel inside me, the way I feel inside you. I know I said I’d be fine if you left, but god, Seán, you’ve ruined sex for me. No one else will ever be as good as you. No one else will know my body like you do.” Felix grinned, feral and bright against Jack’s lips. “Look at you, Seán. You’ve ruined me.”

“Felix, I’m gonna cum before ye’ even get on me,” Jack gasped, hard enough to break cement at this point. “It’s been two months, Fe’, please.”

Jack expected Felix to point out it was Jack’s own fault that he’d gone two months, but, “Two months?” Felix asked, sounding not at all hurried. “Like, two months since sex or two months since getting off?”

Jack threaded his fingers through Felix’s hair to get a good grip and yank him back from the kiss. “I may be a fuckin’ jackass,” he said, narrowing his eyes up at the other man. “I may have left and treated ye’ like shit. I may not be good enough for ye’, but I have never, ever even _thought_ about cheating on you.”

Achingly, Felix’s heady confidence died away to something harrowingly vulnerable. “Promise?”

Jack swallowed past the anger he felt with himself for ever instilling such doubt in Felix and tightened his grip in Felix’s hair. Felix sucked in a gasp, letting his head fall back with Jack’s tug. His hips canted forward slightly, just the barest thing that let Jack now Felix still got off on this more than anything. Jack twisted his grip and pulled back, slow and sure, exposing Felix’s long, pale neck. “I swear on my life,” Jack told him, the words rumbling through his chest. “Ye’ say I’ve ruined you? It’s the same for me. No one else but you, Felix. No one else but you.”

Felix’s shakiness fell back into that smooth confidence. “How long since you’ve gotten off, Seán?” he asked, voice scraping at the edges of Jack’s control. He started rolling his hips again, bare cock dripping precum onto the sheets. His ass was perfectly aligned with the line of Jack’s own hardness beneath the duvet, stroking up and down with methodical turns of his body. “How long since you’ve touched yourself? How long since you’ve cum?”

“Since I left,” Jack gasped, unable to tell Felix anything but the truth when he was turned on like this. “I never even tried. The guilt—”

“Fuck the guilt,” Felix interrupted roughly. “Just fuck me.”

Jack pushed Felix’s hips back just so the other man would sit up enough to allow Jack to carefully kick off the blankets and work his jeans down his hips. He regretted falling asleep in his day clothes more than anything now. felix laughed at him as he watched Jack struggled. The Swede sat back on his haunches, one hand disappearing behind himself. Then Felix’s expression shuttered and his brow knit together. His cock bobbed as his hips kept rolling and Jack—

“Stop fucking yourself, that’s my job,” Jack seethed, freeing himself from his boxers next. His cock sprang up, red and angry. “God, Felix, if you’re gonna do that, at least turn around so I can look.”

Felix laughed, but the sound hitched off and his eyes widened as he hit that spot inside himself, purely on accident. Felix whimpered and bent forward, thrusting back on his own fingers. “Oh fuck, Seán,” he moaned, lips a perfect O as he braced himself on the bed with his free hand. “I haven’t either,” he choked out. “Even though I’ve thought about it, I haven’t— Not actually, just dreams, never on purpose, I—”

Jack took Felix by the hair again and pulled him forward and atop Jack’s hips again. Felix moaned raggedly and went with the forceful tug, his other hand slipping out of himself to keep himself upright, straddling Jack’s waist. Jack’s cock stood between Felix’s thighs and Felix lowered himself onto it, not taking Jack inside, just grinding their cocks together with little bursts of desperation. And Jack love the broken little noises Felix was making, he loved the way Felix was already so close to falling apart, but—

“Ye’ better get on my cock right now before I do it for ye’,” Jack growled. He pulled at Felix’s hair again for good measure and Felix gasped, looking down at Jack with a plea in his eyes. Felix may be the one on top, but Jack was in control. “Don’t ye’ want that?” Jack asked, keeping his grip, forcing Felix still with his hand on Felix’s side. He pressed in hard, threatening to bruise the fair skin. Felix had always loved the bruises Jack would leave behind. Jack was going to leave him with several more for when he’d be away on tour. “Don’t ye’ wanna make me feel good, Fe’?” Jack asked, grinning. “Don’t ye’ wanna cum?” Felix whimpered and stopped his feverish grinding, looking to Jack for direction. “Get on my cock, King.”

Felix burst out laughing, the heavy mood dropping in exchange for Felix’s joy. “Oh my god, you saw the stupid tweet,” he said, giggling into his hand. “Jesus christ, don’t call me that.”

“Why not?” Jack asked with an even wider grin. “You’re my king, Felix. I’ll spend my days worshipping ye’.”

“Make me a crown,” Felix said. “I’ll wear it as I suck your cock.”

Jack’s cock throbbed at the image and he shut his eyes for a moment just to regain a little bit of control. His hand digging into Felix’s skin shook and he laughed with the flutter that went along in his chest. “I fucking love ye’, Felix.”

He felt a hand on his cock and opened his eyes to see Felix sitting straight, lining himself up with a mischievous smirk. “Damn right you do, boy,” Felix said in his stupid on-camera voice before he sunk down on Jack’s cock, taking all of him in with one familiar drop of his hips. Jack’s eyes rolled into the back of his head as he was enveloped in that tight heat he’d missed so much. Felix threw his head back, gasping Jack’s birth name to the ceiling. When Jack got his vision back, he looked to the other man and almost came. 

Felix was such a pretty sight. There was a flush stretching from his face down his neck and blooming across his chest. His chest was heaving with labored breath. For whatever stretch Felix had done before, it wouldn’t make up for two months of chastity. He was tight around Jack, tighter than Jack remembered him being, warm and wet with lube. He shook around Jack, thighs trembling with the effort of staying still. Jack brought his hands down to the thighs, gripping tight and smiling as he felt the muscles strain. 

“Fuckin’ love yer thighs,” Jack confessed breathily. “Always wished I could suck cock. Wanna feel them ‘round my ears. Get my head between ‘em.” Jack dug his nails into the flesh and smiled wider at the moan Felix choked on. “One day, Felix, I swear to ye’.”

Felix smirked and rolled on Jack’s cock, testing the stretch, adjusting easily, his body made for Jack. Then Jack felt those perfect thighs clench as Felix lifted himself up only to drop back down, taking Jack like a pro. He gasped softly and did it again and again, riding Jack slowly, dragging it out, torturing them both and looking like he loved it. “I’ve missed this,” Felix breathed. “Missed seeing you like this.” Felix smiled down at him, twisting his hips each time he sunk back down. “Does it feel good, baby? Did you miss me?”

“More than life.” Jack planted his feet and thrust up into the man just as Felix came back down. The force had Felix’s body lurching upwards, Jack’s cock slamming into Felix’s prostate. Felix cried out, eyes going wide with shock at the sudden pleasure. Felix’s cockiness bled away in the face of need. 

“Again,” Felix begged. “please.”

Jack grinned, spread his feet and did as told. Felix shook and cried out again, Jack’s name falling out of him like a sob. Over and over, Jack fucked up into that tight feet, the strength of his thrusts making Felix’s entire body move like he was being bounced on marionette strings. He looked down at Jack with glazed eyes, mouth hanging open as moan after moan was forced from his throat. And Jack loved it, wanted it to last forever, but Felix was so fucking tight, so fucking incredible around him, and it had been so long. Felix’s body was made for him in every way, made for Jack, and he felt so fucking good that, even in Jack’s control, the disguise began to slip. 

Felix was so fucking tight. So fucking hot. So fucking loud and perfect, writhing atop him. Jack wanted to see Felix cum, wanted to fuck the other man into boneless completion, but he could feel his own pleasure swelling in his gut, the heat too much in his own body. He was gonna cum, he was so close, he was about to—

“Seán, god, I need you.”

Felix’s moan was too much. Jack’s head twisted back in Felix’s pillow as he came hard inside Felix, filling the other man completely. It was overpowering, Jack’s senses filled with everything and only Felix as his vision whited out and body went taut. The pleasure died slowly, the orgasm leaving him weak. He felt almost like he’d died, everything ripped out of him. And it had felt so fucking good. Still did, coursing through Jack’s veins, his heart beating loudly in his ears, the warmth of Felix’s body still atop him, the heat and desperation—

Felix pulled off Jack’s cock, and Jack almost worried that he’d missing Felix’ orgasm when the other man was suddenly filling Jack’s view, stretching over him to reach between the the mattress and the headboard for the familiar bottle of lube that likely hadn’t been moved from that spot since Jack had left. Felix was speaking a string of frantic Swedish as he poured a healthy amount of slick on his fingers before reaching down between Jack’s legs and pressing a tentative finger inside. Jack bowed off the bed, seeking out the intrusion and trying to pull away from it at the same time. “Too much, too much,” Jack whimpered. “Fe’, t-too much.”

“You love it,” Felix said, silencing Jack with a heated kiss. He was right, too, Jack loved when Felix pushed his boy past its limit, into the territory of it being so good it was almost painful. “Open up for me, Seán,” Felix coaxed, still hard and hot against Jack’s thigh. “Wanna make you feel as good as you made me.”

Jack whined, high pitched and needy as Felix’s talented fingers instantly sought out and pressed against that tight bundle of nerves. He was already loose just from the effect of his orgasm, Felix had no problem slipping in a second, slick finger and torturing Jack with his insistent touch. Jack’s body jerked away from the touch, but he always fell back on it, wanting more of what Felix could give him. His heart was pounding in his ears now, overwhelming everything else. He could feel it thundering in his chest, rabbit beat fast. Felix pressed in a third finger and Jack almost wailed, his legs spamming around Felix’s arm. 

Felix cursed in Swedish against Jack’s lips and Jack began to beg. “I’m ready, I’m ready,” he promised. “I can take ye’, give it to me, King.”

Felix groaned loudly. “ _Oh då._ Don’t wanna hurt you. Been so long.” Jack tangled his hands in Felix’s hair and yanked hard, making the other man laugh, as strung out as he was. “Got three fingers in your ass, and you’re still so bossy,” Felix said, smiling down at Jack like he wanted to kiss him. But Jack could feel Felix’s cock leaking against him and yanked again. 

“I can take it,” he said. “Trust me. I can take it.”

Felix’s eyes darkened and the fingers disappeared from Jack’s body. Felix took Jack by the hips, moving the man up as Felix went on his knees. Jack shut his eyes and pushed his head back, holding onto the headboard and Felix slid inside. The stretch was almost too much and everything felt like too fucking much all too fast and he loved it, he needed it, he needed to feel what he’d almost lost. Felix inside of him was the closet he’d ever come to feeling like he was part of something beyond himself and the idea that he was the very thing making Felix feel so much pleasure that the stress lines of his life melted away was—

“I can take it, I can take it,” Jack babbled as Felix pushed too slowly. He hooked his leg around Felix’s waist and drew him in, relishing the harsh push of Felix’s cock inside of him. “So good,” Jack sobbed, trembling and clenching around Felix inside him. The burn was there and it was perfect, he wanted to feel this for days. Felix was a mess above him. He’d already been slow close, he wasn’t going to last. Jack was hard again between their bodies, painfully erect, his usual refractory period shot to nothing by the two months of separation. 

“Fuck me, Felix,” Jack begged, scrabbling uselessly at Felix’s chest. “Please, please, I need ye’.”

Felix bent down to kiss Jack again, holding himself up with hands on either side of Jack’s hand. His breathed shakily into Jack’s lungs before canting his hips, just the slightest little thing, before Jack’s feverish mewls of encouragement had Felix thrusting with everything he had, fucking Jack up the bed. The headboard banged against the wall and Jack held on for dear life. Felix was so close, Jack could feel it in the way he was moving, he was so—

Felix gasped, a loud and harsh sound leaving his body, and Jack felt the man fill him, warmth spreading inside of him. There were a few more erratic little jerks of Felix’s hips into Jack— into that spot that had Jack near tears with how everything was too much— before the other man slumped and nearly fell atop Jack.

Felix dropped onto his side next to Jack on the mattress after carefully pulling himself from Jack. Jack was ready to beg again when he his pleas were silenced by teeth sinking into the meat of his shoulder and Felix’s hand came down to wrap around Jack’s weeping cock. Felix jerked him off quickly, knowing every little trick, swiping his thumb across the slit, dragging his thumb down the vein on the underneath, and Jack was gone in an explosion of bright light behind his eyes. He arched off the bed, cumming soundlessly and feeling a little like he was dying. 

He fell back to earth, heaving for breath, his body singing and shaking with the aftershocks of pleasure. Felix was humming tiredly, an arm around Jack’s filthy waist. They were both covered in it, sticky and uncomfortable, but too tired to even consider getting up. 

“I had plans,” Felix mumbled into the pillow. “We were totally gonna do some fun shit for the week or so that you’re back. I had brunch reservations.”

Even for the exhaustion in Jack’s limbs, he couldn’t forget what he’d nearly lost and how overjoyed he was to still have it, so Jack forced himself up and over, straddling Felix’s waist. “Cancel ‘em,” he said, voice low with a promise. “I’ve quite a few things t’ make up for.”

Felix grinned up at him, drained and gorgeous in the afterglow. “We didn’t even get your shirt off, why are you so thirsty, Seán?” Before Jack could respond to the teasing, Felix continued. “I forgive you,” he said. “So you should forgive yourself too. But I definitely won’t object to any plans you happen to make.”

The word “forgive” rang in Jack’s head and he marveled over the easiness Felix said just a weight thing for what Jack had done. For a moment, Jack felt almost like he wouldn’t be able to speak past the tightness in his throat. He wanted to fall asleep next to Felix and wake up and do all of this again, but he needed to say—

“I’m the luckiest man in the world t’ have someone like you.”

Felix’s smile became almost shy. “And I’m just lucky that I was good enough to come back for.”

Felix’s hand rested on Jack’s face, a comforting warmth cradling his jaw. “Welcome home, Seán,” Felix said. “I’ll always be here, waiting for you.”


End file.
